Wax On; Wax Off

I made the appointment for 12:30 not 2:30.So when I show up at 2:20 the receptionist looks at me like I just got off the short bus. This is after of course, they confirmed the time with me on Sunday. They manage to squeeze me in but the eastern European woman who is doing my waxing doesn’t realize this my first time. She shoves me in a room with an “I’ll be right with you” tossed casually over her shoulder and I’m not sure what the fuck is going on. There is some weird ass Enya music, some crazy ass “soothing” scent being piped in and I’m pretty sure the closet I’m trapped in has 6 walls and a mirror. The only light is this weird UFO thing that will undoubtedly magnify every single one of my flaws.

This light is now my mortal enemy.

I’m standing in this 6-sided room and now the question is do I pop my shirt off? I don’t want to be creepy and have her come in and have my shirt off when it isn’t that time. I don’t want to look exceptionally eager to get my hair ripped out like I’m some kind of masochist. If my aesthetician comes in and I’m a little too eager she might tell me a safety word and put a Kado mask on. But, I don’t want to look like a dumbass by keeping the only garment that needs to come off on. I nut up and take my shirt off. I have my standards and don’t lie on the table. The aesthetician comes in carrying a very relaxation induced pot covered in tinfoil. She looks at me like I’m clearly not mentally capable of receiving a waxing and motions for me to lie on the table.

I try to make small talk as I lie on the table about this being my first time and I realize precisely how painfully awkward I am at small talk. I trail off incoherently and notice that the table is warm. Not like residual heat from the previous victim but full on this thing is heated. I’m sure that this would be calming/relaxing/therapeutic any other time, but it’s August. I’m about to have hot wax slapped on my skin and the spa wants to make sure my ass isn’t chilly?

I lay down and the woman has me wrap my hands around the back of my head. I pray to whatever deity is watching that I have the right amount of deodorant so I don’t smell bad but not enough to interfere with the waxing and the woman proceeds to throw some baby powder on my arms. She takes a tiny hand towel and casually drapes it over my bra. I’m pretty sure she cops a slight feel but think nothing of it as my breasts are only awesomely-great on a good day and this bra is terrible to say the least. My mistress shoves the tinfoil pot against my skin while asking if it was too hot. In my fear of being punished for my insolence, I say no as she starts slapping hot wax on my armpit (I hate the euphemism underarm, it’s a pit.)

The actual wax application tickles and I feel like a pain fetish freak for giggling during my torture. The wax removal isn’t even that painful it’s truly the small talk that is awful. The woman tells me how great waxing is and the best thing for the skin so you “can go to the beach and not worry about hair and it’s also great for…the beach.” My other pit is slightly more painful and the woman really gets her face in for the last few hairs that just don’t want to be separated from my flesh.

When yet another part of my body is now unnecessarily hair-free she tells me to put my shirt back on and meet her out front. I kinda want to ask if I need to leave the money on the table and if she can hold me after, but I’m afraid that will cost extra.

After she leaves, I run over to the mirror and hold my arms up for a closer inspection. I want to be excited because I won’t have to think about shaving for a while and I can now FINALLY throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don’t care.

yeah, I linked to an NKOTB video. You liked it.

Only, now I’ve realized something; Jesus I have ugly armpits.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cyrus Walken
    Mar 12, 2012 @ 22:07:38

    I will immediately clutch your rss as I can’t find your e-mail subscription link or newsletter service. Do you have any? Kindly allow me realize in order that I could subscribe. Thanks… Jogos Online


  2. Maris Tirrell
    Dec 16, 2012 @ 07:47:26


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