Well it isn’t Twilight Fanfiction…

Every so often, I think about what is going to happen when a close family member dies. This happens more frequently than I should admit to, but in the spirit of full disclosure, I tend to think about it a lot. I’ve planned my father’s funeral more times than I have spoken to him in the past 5 years and whenever someone on my mother’s side dies I have to go over her and her husband’s plans that I’ve essentially known since I was in High School. So about a month or so ago, I texted my mother the following message

To: Mom

From: S

I call dibs on writing gma’s eulogy.

Being strangley similar to my mother in terms of overplanning things, I knew that she wouldn’t think twice about this text message and just file it away for future knowledge when the time comes. Her response surprised me.

From: Mom

To: S

Are you going to let her read it?

Oh, I hadn’t thought about that. I hadn’t actually written anything down, she’s not sick, she is getting older but she’s still fairly active so I hadn’t really planned on writing it soon but since it’s on my mind, maybe I should jot a few notes down. What happened was I wrote a little over 700 words describing who my grandmother was. I was pretty proud of it so I had HHP read it over. He laughed in all the right places and I sent it on to my mom.

To: Mom

From: S

Attached: gma.doc

Subject: Eulogy

Let me know what you think…

***the next day***

To: S

From: Mom

Subject: RE: Eulogy

That is beautiful,  can’t wait to print it out for Gma.    Love you,    do mine
do mine……MOM

What? Really? Um, okay I guess. So that started me on the process to eulogize my mother. It wasn’t difficult, but I had a couple of cocktails before tackling it. I debated what tense to refer to her in until HHP said “well, she’ll be dead anyways, just use past tense” The next evening, I sent my mother her eulogy. She loved it and told me she was taking it with her to her girls away weekend trip.

Truth be told, I had kind of forgotten about the whole thing until I got yet another text message

To: S

From: Mom

Your godmother says do me do me, your namesake cried

When I got over the initial What the fuck mom? How drunk are you at 10am on a Friday? confusion, I remembered that she was going to tell her friends about it. So maybe I can start a eulogy business. Maybe I can write short drabbles about the better times and overlook any bad times that are no longer important. Or maybe I can just be the Derek Zoolander of eugoogoolies…


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