My Forbes.com Job Application

Dear Forbes and Gene Marks,

Please consider this my formal application to be a writer on your website. I’m young, so I know what the internet is all about and look! I even have a blog. I’ve heard that this is the way to become an expert in whatever field you can imagine. I was thinking about being an expert on being a short, balding CPA but I think someone already did that and I don’t want to crush their dreams and aspirations.  You won’t need to see my resume; because why would Forbes care what my credentials are when they just give their writers cart blanche to word vomit on their server space. Sorry, I didn’t mean to get too technical there, let me explain that server space is another tech word for internet.  But since this is a formal application, let me present several reasons why I would be such a good candidate.

I’m white and middle class. Being white and middle class gives me the opportunity to see what is wrong with people and to provide thought-provoking and genuine advice to correct all of the wrongs in the world. I figured since Mr. Marks (I can call him Mr. Marks, right? Or should I just refer to him a Sir with my eyes trained on the floor to further showcase my subservience to the male sex.) has already solved the problem with poor black kids, I would tackle something easy like the spread of HIV (don’t have sex outside of your pre-arranged government approved heterosexual marriage), Cancer (don’t be genetically inferior to your health overlords, don’t be poor to live in an area that can be polluted) and rape (don’t be on the short end of the power struggle, or a woman.)

I’m afraid that if I focus on those topics, people will think that this is a health blog and I didn’t study wikipedia for a few hours last night to be a medical professional.

I’m a woman. I’m sorry I was born a lady, and I’m trying to work on it. But this disadvantage will only allow me the opportunity to overcome this adversity. As a woman,  my job is important, but I will always put my work last. My priorities are first dutifully serving my husband, secondly being a thoughtful and devoted mother, and a mix of being  a dutiful housewife and a humanitarian. Once those are all crossed off my to-do list, I can focus on work, well after I spend an hour or two at the gym. I have to keep my figure and attractiveness up to the high standards of Mr. Marks so I can be ogled by my co-workers when I leave the room.  As a woman, you’ll never have to worry about me leaving my position as a Forbes writer to become a CEO or anything that involves hard work and persistence.

The reason I’d be so successful working under Mr. Marks Sir, and Forbes is that I can internet troll like the best of them. I’ve made blatant, ill-advised and mis-informed statements all over this blog post. This is something that I could do on a semi-weekly basis and it would be great if I could be paid for it.

I’d love to meet with the Forbes team, but I’ll have to get permission from my husband to travel outside of the house.  Maybe if all of those poor black kids aren’t using Skype to improve their lives we could set something up that way.

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DB
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 14:29:13

    Did you know that Forbes.com’s “Contributing Writers” are paid by the page hit? The more people flock to that column based on the controversy it’s created, the more Mr. Marks gets paid. He’s not so out of touch that he actually believed any of that crap he wrote, and he’s not even pandering to a constituency of readers that believe it. He probably made the whole thing up just to make a quick buck, and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank as all the responses to it across the internet drive more and more traffic in his direction.

    Reply

  2. Meg
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 15:15:10

    DB: the why he wrote it isn’t the issue. The fact that there *are* people who are that simplistic in their world view is the issue. And Forbes — supposedly a thoughtful place for ideas, though no, I’m not that naive — pandered to them. And people should object, driving up the hit count or no. Because if you think ignoring something actually makes it go away, you’re kidding yourself more than Gene Marks.

    Reply

  3. Meg
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 15:15:34

    Here was my overlong comment over there:

    If I was a white, middle-class, balding accountant, writing a column on Forbes.com in response to a speech by the President, I think it would occur to me BEFORE I posted an entire article giving advice to “poor black kids” on how best to take advantage of opportunities that, since I was neither a) poor b) black or c) a kid, that I might come off as a little condescending and facetious.

    As long as we’ve had people who had access to more resources, or more of a voice than others, we’ve had people asking themselves why individuals and families in difficult situations don’t just pull up their bootstraps and make something happen. Why don’t they work harder, or do better on tests, or pursue more opportunities, or gain more awareness of the possibilities? Why do they just wallow in their lack of success and upward mobility? I mean, if *I* was one of them, surely I’d do everything in my power to achieve?

    Here’s the thing: ignorance IS a big problem in the United States.

    But it’s not an affliction particular to the inner city. It’s an affliction that leads people who have no. earthly. clue. what life is like for those outside their income bracket and culture to offer a prescription for “success” that completely disregards the actual environment they’re dealing with.

    Kids, get some computer skills! Never mind that none of the computers in the non-existent lab at your school actually work, or that because the door at your apartment doesn’t lock, you can’t actually keep any technology at home, or that walking around with it is asking to have it stolen (hopefully without you getting a beating at the same time.)

    Kids, work harder! Never mind that your classrooms are not places where you can let down your guard long enough to ask a question, or that you’re a little tired from lying awake in bed at night hoping the sirens aren’t coming to deal with something in your apartment.

    Kids, take advantage of the opportunities! Get into a private school! Private schools will give you a fantastic education! Never mind that other students will make you feel awkward because your background is so different from their own, or that you’ll feel disconnected from the friends and world you have in your home neighborhood because you’ve chosen to leave them behind to “better yourself” all day, or that you’re still really tired and hungry and you can’t afford to be a part of all the extracurricular stuff.

    Kids, talk to your guidance counselor! Never mind that they’re actually dealing right now with trying to report yet another abuse complaint on another student and take a knife away from another kid, and they don’t actually have time to know everything there is to know about the current grant-scholarship opportunities available to you because they’re trying to make sure a really great teacher doesn’t quit because their car got keyed in the school’s parking lot.

    But here’s where the real ignorance is: the idea that the inner city is entirely populated by extras from “The Wire” who are actually really cute and full of potential underneath their gruff exteriors, and just want a chance to succeed. Did you actually suggest that they try and get into private schools to be the token “insert cultural stereotype ere”?

    There are children of all races living in poverty and violence. There are parents of all races. There are backgrounds deep with complexity, and issues that won’t be solved overnight. There are a million reasons and histories that put and leave people where they are, and reasons and seasons in their lives that make it difficult for them to tread water where they are. You will learn that no solution is as simple as a new computer or an after-school course or a lunch program.

    You don’t know. Heck, I don’t know. But if you really want to know — and you really want to change circumstances for someone else in a manner more profound than writing a dismissive piece for a business magazine — go volunteer in a neighborhood you think needs a little help — safe to say you’ll find out that the people and the situation are a little more complex than this essay would allow. Talk to real kids, in real situations. Talk to real parents. Give what you can.

    Then you’ll look back on this prescription with embarrassment, because you’ll realize that you did the writing equivalent of prescribing “two aspirin and call me in the morning!” for people struggling with innumerable different kinds of cancer.

    Reply

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