My Job Application

Dear Forbes and Gene Marks,

Please consider this my formal application to be a writer on your website. I’m young, so I know what the internet is all about and look! I even have a blog. I’ve heard that this is the way to become an expert in whatever field you can imagine. I was thinking about being an expert on being a short, balding CPA but I think someone already did that and I don’t want to crush their dreams and aspirations.  You won’t need to see my resume; because why would Forbes care what my credentials are when they just give their writers cart blanche to word vomit on their server space. Sorry, I didn’t mean to get too technical there, let me explain that server space is another tech word for internet.  But since this is a formal application, let me present several reasons why I would be such a good candidate.

I’m white and middle class. Being white and middle class gives me the opportunity to see what is wrong with people and to provide thought-provoking and genuine advice to correct all of the wrongs in the world. I figured since Mr. Marks (I can call him Mr. Marks, right? Or should I just refer to him a Sir with my eyes trained on the floor to further showcase my subservience to the male sex.) has already solved the problem with poor black kids, I would tackle something easy like the spread of HIV (don’t have sex outside of your pre-arranged government approved heterosexual marriage), Cancer (don’t be genetically inferior to your health overlords, don’t be poor to live in an area that can be polluted) and rape (don’t be on the short end of the power struggle, or a woman.)

I’m afraid that if I focus on those topics, people will think that this is a health blog and I didn’t study wikipedia for a few hours last night to be a medical professional.

I’m a woman. I’m sorry I was born a lady, and I’m trying to work on it. But this disadvantage will only allow me the opportunity to overcome this adversity. As a woman,  my job is important, but I will always put my work last. My priorities are first dutifully serving my husband, secondly being a thoughtful and devoted mother, and a mix of being  a dutiful housewife and a humanitarian. Once those are all crossed off my to-do list, I can focus on work, well after I spend an hour or two at the gym. I have to keep my figure and attractiveness up to the high standards of Mr. Marks so I can be ogled by my co-workers when I leave the room.  As a woman, you’ll never have to worry about me leaving my position as a Forbes writer to become a CEO or anything that involves hard work and persistence.

The reason I’d be so successful working under Mr. Marks Sir, and Forbes is that I can internet troll like the best of them. I’ve made blatant, ill-advised and mis-informed statements all over this blog post. This is something that I could do on a semi-weekly basis and it would be great if I could be paid for it.

I’d love to meet with the Forbes team, but I’ll have to get permission from my husband to travel outside of the house.  Maybe if all of those poor black kids aren’t using Skype to improve their lives we could set something up that way.

I look forward to hearing from you.