Trying

I’ve been struggling lately. Being unemployed has really taken a toll on me. I’m meeting with a doctor this week to discuss mind-altering medication but I’ve been reading a lot about cognitive therapy. Wil Wheaton’s post made me cry.

“When you feel bad, when you are thinking and feeling that you’re worthless or anything like that, I want you to recognize it, and then make an effort to replace those bad feelings with good ones.”

I was completely incapable of doing this. I couldn’t think of a single good thing I’d done or accomplished. And then I cried some more.

HHP even posted the 7 Things article on TinyBuddha on his Facebook page. He didn’t want to draw attention to my problems (he’s good like that) but he wanted to remember to tell me about it.

“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene

I want to be the first person to do this. And I think I’m almost there. So I’m trying to be nicer to myself. Maybe kick myself a little less when I’m down. I even suggested a healthy dose of self-care (and vitamin D) by going to the beach today.  And that’s when I heard this.

I went to Cal, but I’m not smart enough for that.  

For me, this sentence is on par with this:

Hearing that, everything clicked. Like a light bulb. I’ve never said that. Never even thought that. That phrase is just not in my realm of possibility. I’ve never not been smart enough for anything. Sure, I’m physically unfit, and my willpower is pretty much non-existent, but I’ve never not been smart enough for anything. And as the little voice in Wil Wheaton’s head said “it’s okay to feel a little proud about this.” I listened to it.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jay2wade
    Jan 27, 2014 @ 14:25:40

    Hugs hugs hugs. You are a smart cookie. And you’re one of the funniest people I know. You can make me laugh when I’m in a terrible mood and I really appreciate that about you.

    Reply

  2. AndreaB
    Jan 27, 2014 @ 17:05:12

    I have to admit, I haven’t stopped by the blog for awhile, but glad I did today…you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like you!! 🙂

    Reply

  3. vanillabean45
    Jan 27, 2014 @ 20:16:12

    “When you feel bad, when you are thinking and feeling that you’re worthless or anything like that, I want you to recognize it, and then make an effort to replace those bad feelings with good ones.”

    Things you have done:
    You have made my life better by being in it-by hosting dinner parties where we’ve laughed (gotten shitfaced) and eaten amazing food. You’ve been there for me to celebrate birthdays, to say goodbye and wish me well as I moved across the country. You’ve picked me up and dropped me off places when no one else would. You have made me smile SO many times with random cards/postcards. You have empathized with having crazy relatives, which is so amazing, as a person who has exclusively crazy relatives (remember that time we had brunch on Father’s Day because it’s a day that sucked for everyone in the room?)

    You’re worth a lot to me. And neurotransmitters are assholes. I get mad at myself for having to take pills to be “happy” (whatever that even means), but they help-they cushion the blow of things that hurt and turn up the volume on things that make me happy. I hope you get some relief soon. Know that you are loved.

    Reply

  4. J.
    Jan 27, 2014 @ 21:50:41

    A long, long time ago, when I was feeling “sad” about something that was probably nothing important, a wise woman told me that when I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning, I should think about putting on clean underwear – and that would motivate me to take that step out of bed. I’ve never forgotten it, and it always makes me smile. Ridiculous and silly? Sure. Life-altering? Not likely. It’s not going to change our lives, but hey, it’s a step, and just for one moment makes you feel better. Hang in there, be well, and change your undies. Xo.

    Reply

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